I didn’t like her to start. She was my friend’...

I didn’t like her to start. She was my friend’s cousin, and although she was pretty, she wasn’t a temptation. She was too short, too quiet.

As time passed, she made sure I knew she was interested by finding reasons to touch me, laughing at every stupid thing I said, and tossing her long, blonde hair just right. She also smelled amazing like a mixture of a spring rain and lavender that didn’t seem to fade no matter how long we hiked.

I never trusted my heart. Diagnosed with bipolar at 23, I knew the trend. A girl would like me, I’d ask her out, we’d date for a while, and I’d run for the mountains. No matter how much I cared for her, I always ran.

The same pattern held true with this girl, although it was even more destructive. We would date, talk of marriage, break up, and reunite a month or two later to repeat the process. The unhealthy trend lasted for years until she met a man who is a much better match for her. (Side note: We’re still friends to this day, over 20 years later.)

Why does bipolar make us run from relationships? I don’t have all the answers, but here are a few thoughts.

People with bipolar disorder may run from relationships for several reasons. One reason is that the constant cycling of emotions makes understanding our feelings challenging, to say the least.

My heart was unreliable. I would swing from a desire to be with her 24/7 to thinking I felt nothing toward her. In the darkest days, I even believed I hated her, even though there was no basis for those feelings. Those days, her touch or smile sickened me.

There are things that can help us stay in relationships, including taking things slow, being honest with our partner, and having a support system. With effort, you can stay in a relationship long term.

Until next time, keep fighting.

(Excerpt from: The Bipolar Relationship Dilemma: Why We Run on SpeakingBipolar.com)
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