I’m notorious among my group of friends for turn...

I’m notorious among my group of friends for turning down social invites. The guilt crushes me every time I decline, but I feel helpless most days to offer another answer.

A few nights ago, one of my young friends, perhaps the one I’ve turned down the most, invited me to dinner.

I hate making decisions quickly. My default is to say, “no,” to protect myself, but my guilt was stronger than my willpower. I told her I would see her in an hour.

Immediately, my stomach knotted up and my heart took off like a young horse at the Kentucky Derby. What have I done?

“It will be fine,” I tried to console myself, speaking aloud to the bathroom mirror. I forced myself to go.

(My anxiety came up at dinner during an awkward conversation.)

On my drive home, my brain shouted insults. I screamed how going to dinner was a mistake. One by one, I reviewed the reasons I avoid social interactions.

One, I hate when bipolar feels like my sole identity. Yes, I have it, but I am also so much more. Yet, every time my mental illness comes up in a group conversation, I can’t help but feel that’s all people see.

Two, I despise the dark place my mind goes while with others. I pick apart every action. I’ll relive every conversation. In every phrase, I’ll look for the worst possible meaning in the words.

For several nights after a social outing, I’ll lay awake, reliving the event over and over until it becomes a monster worthy of a horror movie. The problem with viewing memories on repeat is they distort and twist. After a while, you can’t tell what’s true from what you imagined. Both truths swirl around each other in a colorful vortex.

I’m not giving up. I’ve added some amazing friends to my circle recently. The value of those gems keeps me trying. The potential good is always worth more than the negative. At least, in the long run.

(The above is an excerpt from one of my Medium stories. Visit my Medium profile to read more.)

Until next time, keep fighting.

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